Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Started out as a good day, but...

...then about 10 a.m. I got a searing headache in the back of my head. I was helping a student and wanted to just sit down and close my eyes. Hate when they come on like that. I miss the old me. Yesterday I got home, did some housework, had dinner, and then went to bed. No run. No time with my husband. Just bed. I wish my neurologist would understand that these aren't just "Ow I have a headache" headaches. I don't know if I minimize it. He just doesn't seem to get that I need some relief and not just pre-treatments that don't work (Amitriptyline). Sure on good days when the headache is light, I get a lot done, I go for runs, I teach bootcamp classes. That makes it seem like "Well it's not too bad if she can do that, right?" The truth is, too many days I am in bed all day. I've missed so much work that now I pay for every day I'm out (no more sick leave so I have to pay my own benefits and receive no pay on days I'm out). I'm just trying to make it through the last day of school with no more days off, so Roy drives me some days. Unfortunately today I didn't feel too bad, so I didn't have him drive me. :(

I am not this person who whines, cancels plans, feels "sick", talks about medications and treatments. I have specifically worked HARD to ensure that my body does not sustain damage due to poor diet and lack of exercise. I am all about being proactive and taking control of my health, but I can't do that any least not right now.

Some days I think "Surely this will end at some point, right?" After all, prior to the subarachnoid hemorrhage I had next to NO headaches. I was rarely ever sick. If I took sick leave it was most likely a personal day. Then on January 28 that all changed. The neurosurgeon said the headaches would go away within 4-6 weeks. Then when I was passed on to a neurologist because the neurosurgeon does not specialize in non-surgical treatments he kept saying "I still think they're just going to go away."

He isn't saying that any more.

It's just so damned frustrating. What if this is my life? I feel like "Well, then you need to learn to live with it and move forward" but damn it all to hell I do not WANT to learn to live with it! It is not fair that I had a brain hemorrhage. I did everything right. I am willing to work hard and to put the time and energy into resolving this. It is just maddening for this control-freak not to have any control.

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