Thursday, March 31, 2016

Journaling Homework

So my therapist says I need to journal because we've been seeing each other for a year and she can't get me to slow down. It's like I know that I should slow down and I kind of know why I don't slow down, but it's hard. If I slow down I feel like I'm giving in to the pain; surrendering to it and letting it control me instead of me controlling it. It makes me so angry to have to feel like this and to even have to consider slowing down. Why should I, an intelligent, driven, strong woman of only 51 years young have to be controlled by something so silly as a headache?

I am on a few support boards and number one, I rarely ask for support because it seems like every time I do some asshat gives me the "You should be glad to be alive" bullshit. Yeah, thanks for that. I'm so glad to be alive living 1/4 of the life I used to live. While I do see on a purely rational level that my life is blessed because I have two working arms and two working legs and a mostly working brain, at the same time I am living the life of 1/4 of what Tory USED to do. Besides, I know I'm lucky to be alive and I am thankful. I don't need to be told that. I want someone to say "I know. It sucks. It's not fair. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this and you don't deserve it." I need someone to see my pain and feel it with me and not belittle it or diminish it. In fact, the last time I asked for help, one woman said I was lucky to have only headaches because at least I wasn't disabled like she is. Grrrrrrrrr. It's not a competition!! And it isn't "only headaches".

Anyhow, I think the reason I don't journal is because most of the time I'm feeling, emotionally, pretty good. I have a headache all the time, but I usually handle it pretty well. I'm a naturally (blessedly) upbeat person. It's only when I get down that I feel like writing and then it feels like I write the same thing over and over again. I have a headache blah blah, it's not fair, blah blah, I hate this. blah blah.

So update since almost a year ago...We've had two years of very mild Winters and it's been super hard on my head because I react to changing barometric pressure. We've had windstorms and rainstorms and thunderstorms and all of those wreak havoc on my poor brain, so Winter has been hard. Normally Fall and Spring are the hardest seasons and I get a break during the cold part of Winter and the hot part of Summer. I did get a break last summer, but the other 75% of the year has been suckage.

I've tried a new procedure called a Sphenopalatine Ganglion Block twice. Both times it was MAGIC but like magic, it was elusive and disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared. The doctor used a catheter rammed up my nose to drip lidocaine onto the nerve bundle (the Sphenopalatine Ganglion bundle) and the pain would literally disappear like someone snapped their fingers. I feel amazing when this happens, although at the same time like I'm a little loopy and high. I literally start making plans 'now that I no longer have headaches'. Then both times, 13 hours later, like someone snapped their fingers again, the headache came back. Not 12 hours, not 13.2 hours. Thirteen hours almost on the dot. Ptooey! I'm still going to try it again because I want to believe it will at some point kick my nerves into the realization that there is NO reason for them to be acting like they are in pain.

Rambling so I will finish do I slow down. My therapist suggested that I consider no more than two (or I can have three, she just suggested two but that feels super limiting to me) extra curricular activities in my life at one time because i tend to think of activities like a stampeding herd of elephants off in the distance. They look small when it's a few months away, but then when it comes time to actually do them I'm overwhelmed and it wears me out because I don't have the energy to do all of the things I've committed to.

So I think I will choose three and one of those will be running, one will be Running to Give, which won't be active all of the time, and one will be my business. That means that at times I will have latitude to take on another task, but not all of the time.

I need to then take my personal running more seriously. Right now I let my headache dictate when I run. At the beginning of the year I was on a streak of running every day at least one mile. I think I will go back to at least one mile or at least 10 minutes on the treadmill. I can do that. I also need to get my diet in order. I've been eating too much candy which isn't good for my physical or mental health. When I don't eat right I don't feel right or good about myself.

So commitment to myself is to not take on anything new in April, run or walk at least one mile or ten minutes per day, and no candy.