Saturday, December 30, 2017

Got in a double today!

I don’t know if I’m coming down with something or this is an outcome of my body getting used to EPI, but damn I am so exhausted tonight. I used to do two a day workouts ALL the time, and it would be five to seven miles in the morning, then a hard lifting session. 

Today I did 2.5 miles of easy run this morning. I wanted to do more, but honestly it was FREEZING and I’m going to attempt to run a half marathon tomorrow. Then later I did a 40 minute ab workout at the gym. It was a superset of seven exercises, and I did three sets. I worked it, but it wasn’t heavy lifting. The third session was rough.

I know I’ve lost muscle tone and strength. Part of it is lack of energy from lack of nutrition from the combination of lack of eating earlier, which caused the weight loss, and lack of absorption. I’m eating a lot more now, but not really gaining (although I was up a few pounds this morning). But this afternoon I am so achy I feel like I ran a marathon or I ran a marathon and I’m coming down with something.

This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed that my workouts are taking a toll on me that they shouldn’t be. I talked to my doctor about it yesterday...oh it’s been a few days. More on that in a min. She suggested I run no more than 3 miles a day in order to limit muscle breakdown and calorie burn.

So, my plan now is to take myself on as a client and work on a plan that builds my muscle without burning too many calories, since I can’t afford it. I am going to the half marathon tomorrow, but will listen to my body. It is five loops, so I can do as much or as little as my body wants to do, so I’m not going to do more than I feel I can.

So the last few days...The day after Christmas as part of my gift, Roy took us to Seattle for an overnight. It was nice! We got a room at the Hotel Theodore and didn’t do anything special; just saw a movie, had lunch together, saw the JDRF Gingerbread Houses and enjoyed each others’ company. We needed it!

The next morning we got up, went to breakfast at Top Pot and then went to the Market. For some reason I started feeling stumbly, very woozy. Not dizzy, but like heavy fatigue just took over. When I thought about it later, it was like I hit a wall during a marathon. I tried to just stay close to walls so I could grab something if I stumbled, but then I wasn’t feeling well all over so I asked Roy to hang onto me and told him I wasn’t feeling good. We started walking back towards the car, and it just kept getting worse. Suddenly I needed to sit down so I did, and it wasn’t a sit “lower myself” down, but when I let go of Roy I hit the bench so hard it hurt. I felt better so I said maybe we could go home and if I still felt bad, go to urgent care. We got up, and immediately I felt sick again. We walked, I blacked out but just for a second....happened again. Then we were standing on the street corner and I could think and see and read, but I tried to say something to Roy and couldn’t get my words out. Maybe only every 3rd or 5th word would come out and it sounded garbled and distant so I think I got out “” so that was that. We went to Swedish ER.

They got me right in. I failed the first FAST test (for stroke) but not the second. Still, they continued on as if I might have had a stroke (I hadn’t, don’t worry...but honestly the not being able to talk thing freaked me the fuck out). Within 90 minutes I felt normal, though. They wanted to keep me overnight, though, just to make sure. I was put in the Telemetry ward. They put me in a room with a nice view and, eventually, a roommate (who had chest pain, but blessedly it was not a heart attack). 

Swedish has amazing beds. I want one of their beds. When you get in it like “envelopes” you like a hug. I want that bed. 

So I was there. While there they did a zillion tests and concluded nothing. One doctor (neurologist) thought it might be dehydration (I was VERY dehydrated). Another doctor thought it was my very low blood pressure. I have BP so low that it set off the alarm every time they took it. I also had low Potassium. Plus the day before I really hadn’t eaten much. One very interesting impact of EPI, I have discovered, is that if I don’t smoke weed I generally have no appetite. So if we’re out busy I don’t even think to eat. And if I’m not hungry it’s rarely even a “I’m not hungry, but I could eat” not hungry. It’s more like, “I don’t know how I’ll react if I even smell food.” It’s made it really challenging, so I’ve honestly had to use marijuana to stimulate my appetite or I won’t eat anything after breakfast. 

So I think it was a combination of all of them. When I think back to what happened I can’t explain the slurred words, but I think my glycogen stores were depleted. Even though I had just eaten and had some coffee, I didn’t drink it all and it wasn’t enough to fill me up. It was only enough to click it up to under the E mark. Probably my blood sugar spiked with the carb breakfast (there was little fat and no protein) and then dumped. I actually had dumping syndrome when I first had the Whipple and it would feel like that...just a quick drop of feeling like complete shit. How embarrassing to tie up medical resources because I didn’t eat or drink enough, but with the verbal problems it made sense to go. 

When I got discharged they told me to follow up with my doctor, but they were adamant about it because they didn’t find the cause. (They did a lot of tests, even an Echocardiogram and had a dietitian come and talk to me.) Roy was insistent that I go in as well, and I lucked out! My doctor who is a Naturopath and an MD, is impossible to see in less than 8 weeks. She had had a cancellation for the next morning! She is amazing. So in depth and she KNOWS me. She took one look at my weight (she hasn’t seen me in over a year) and had all sorts of concerns. I had already emailed her a few concerns (I had an appointment scheduled for January), so she was already on those. She got me set up with a decent electrolyte, a protein powder to take every day, she limited my exercise (and I agree with her...shut up about tomorrow I will start with the new year), and a short term something to deal with my depression. 

She treats me like a whole person!! I am so thankful for her!

End of my workout at the gym. I petered out after 2.5 circuits, but I finished the 3rd. I can’t believe that!

My three running buddies giving me the hairy eyeball during the Magic Mile. 

Friday, December 29, 2017

Christmas was hard, but good

I am a girl who has always had trouble adjusting her expectations. I was always the one who, if someone said we would go to the park on Tuesday, it was written in stone on my heart that we would go to the park on Tuesday. If we didn’t, it was soul crushing. I try very hard, because of this, to make sure I do not make promises I do not keep, nor do I promise things lightly. I don’t think other people understand this about me. 

So because I know this about me, I tried a new thing this year. I didn’t ask for anything for Christmas. I thought if I had no expectations, I would not be disappointed. Don’t get me wrong...I am rarely disappointed in what I get. I am disappointed when I get something out of left field that isn’t what I asked for, or if somehow I end up going way too overboard, or way worse...underboard because I did not understand what we were doing for the holidays. Christmas is HUGE for me and I love the whole season, but really hate Christmas Day because time and time again, the day itself, is a big letdown. Through our 32 Christmases together often family has changed plans at the last minute, ruining our plans because hey, we don’t have kids so we can just wing it. Sure, we can, but how disrespectful. We like to make and keep plans as well and when suddenly we’re treated as if we don’t count, it’s very upsetting. Or we decided to do something and it seems like it will be so magical, and it just isn’t like the year we spent Christmas in Disneyland. Two of our favorite things together! All I could think of was that our dogs were alone (they had a pet sitter, but still...) and we weren’t with them, and all of our traditions were back here.

Well this one fizzled too, at least for me, and it’s really all my fault. I don’t know why. I guess we had decided on a budget, but I don’t remember discussing that. I can no longer claim to remember things like that because I don’t. My memory is horrible any more. I agonized over his gifts. I really did...and I thought I got him things he would like, but he kept saying he didn’t want anything, he didn’t need anything. That’s so hard for me, because to me this is an outward expression of how much I think about him, and that I saw this and thought, “I know my husband so well that I know he will enjoy this.” or it will make him laugh, or remind him of a specific event, or whatever. He loves all things Star Wars, movies, etc. so I got things that he could enjoy in his classroom and at home. 

He painted me this amazing picture of our dogs as Avengers. Unfortunately for my overly emotional brain, I had already seen it because he painted it in my classroom during our LAN party. It’s fantastic, and very romantic because our dogs mean the world to me. The other three gifts were, in my mind sans explanation, a semi-thoughtful gift, a gift that seemed more for him that I’d actually considered getting him but dismissed as too frivolous and way overpriced, and a WTF gift that felt like it was a “I need at least one more thing” gift that was close to a check out or a re-gift. 

I was crushed. I knew what the “big” one was so I chose to open the smallest gift first and it was the WTF one. I’m already in this really emotional state lately and my first gift from my husband, oh and I forgot to mention he had not put a name tag on any gift. He has never not done that, and in fact all name tags are usually really a gift that looked like it was on the sale table at Ross or maybe Goodwill. I mean I’m okay with a gift like that from a co-worker, or as a white-elephant, but it just hit me wrong. The thing that killed me, I could feel my emotions welling up but I couldn’t stop them. So I let him open a few gifts because he had 3 times as many as I did. I picked up a flat one to hide behind, and it was the semi-thoughtful gag gift. It was then the damned tears just wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t even explain it. I was literally just feeling heartbroken. It wasn’t because I didn’t “get great presents”. It was because it felt like they were such afterthoughts. Like he’d said, “Well, I got presents. Is three enough? Yeah. That should be good. I did my duty. Done.”

I hate myself sometimes. There is absolutely no truth at all to him being that kind of a husband. Sure, he has a moment, very very rarely, of being thoughtless, but I probably have 10 times those moments. Even typing this out, I can feel the emotion behind how I felt, even though the rest of the week has been a testament to the love he has for me, that we have for each other. 

I have always felt like Roy is the only one who truly loves me. I mean I get, cognitively, that other people care about me, even love me. But I truly feel like he is the only one to whom I am an important person; to whom my absence would mean something. I am feeling so much, lately, that my life has not had the importance I had hoped it would. I’m not talking about fame or infamy. I just had hoped I’d have a legacy, but that’s hard when you don’t have children. So I think Christmas scared me and flashed a “What if he DOESN’T love you???” Card at me and my insecurities all welled up to the surface. I mean on the one hand, part of me is saying, “Why should you even NEED a man to love you?” But the truth is, we all need to be needed; to feel of value to someone and I don’t always feel like I am of value to him. Yes, he loves me and he shows me that a lot. But I don’t know if he “values” me as an equal or adult. He doesn’t confide in me or tell me when he’s worried. He never asks for or takes my advice. I mean never. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t feel better now. I just need to feel better, but lately I just feel awful all the time.

It’s a great picture, but it doesn’t feel like it is for me. 
Avengers Assemble

Friday, December 15, 2017

I did it...

I told my boss I don’t think I’ll be able to work full time after this school year. She is supposed to get to HR and let me know how it works. I’m requesting half time leave of absence so I can return to my job full time if needed. I feel relieved  and sad and nervous all at the same time.

It’s a horrible head day today. The weather changed from wonderful clear cold weather to rain. Oh well. I have a party with friends tonight that I’ve been looking forward to. I had to leave work to come home early and I’ve mostly slept all afternoon. I wanted to grade papers and do stuff for the party, but it hasn’t happened. I always feel like I’m being judged when I leave early and maybe I am, but my goal for today was to not let my overactive imagination overtake my logic. Logically, I left work because my headache was a level 8 when I was moving. It would go down to a 6 if I stayed still, but it didn’t stay there. That’s not reasonable and means I have to leave. It’s crazy what we do when we have pain. I knew it was going to be bad when I got up this morning, but I wanted to tell my kids about the new Star Wars movie, and next week starts Winter break, I wanted to discuss Net Neutrality, and I thought I could get through it.

Best laid plans of mice and women, I guess!

It’s Dirty and Wet Under the Bus

I have sure felt like I’ve spent a lot of time under the bus this year and I’m really not sure I understand why. The latest was this morning (it’s my duty free lunch right now, and my goal for myself is to journal my feelings so TaDa).

History: I am tech support for our school. I also teach tech support. The following story is a large part of why I love TEACHING tech support, but do not love DOING tech support, because it is a very common scenario. 

We have many programs in our system that include specialized hardware that connects to computers that I am required to support as our on-site technician. That can make my job very challenging as I am not a full time tech. I have to do my job after or before work or on my duty-free lunch. For this I get an extra $2600 a year, or $260 a month (10 months because 9 months is a fallacy, we go two weeks into June and we come back in August and those months are, by far, my busiest tech months). I can spend multiple hours after school, particularly in June and August and that stipend is usually spent by the end of October. 

One of the programs has an X-ray machine that was able to take an x-ray in one room, but if the patient was moved into another room, they could not bring up the x-ray in that room. They could bring up the chart, but not the x-ray. Apparently “district” could not figure it out, so honestly I had my doubts I could either since I don’t know x-ray machines from Jack. I got the tech request and it was to fix it so that if an x-ray was taken in one room, the x-ray could be called up in the other. 

I went in after work one day and stayed a few extra hours, missing a pointless district tech meeting (which I got in trouble for from the district tech person) in the process, and figured out by digging through the proprietary program and its files that it was a simple matter of the directory mapping on one machine when it was set up. I can’t test the x-ray machine (not being a technician), but I did find a patient (dummy patient, I think—they do a lot of x-rays on a dummy) and confirmed that I could now bring up that file in both rooms. 

Look at my bold task above. Did I not achieve my goal? I explained, the next day, to the instructor that I was pretty sure I had accomplished the goal, but she needed to test it. I explained that all of the old x-rays that were taken in that room would need to be moved to the other folder at some point, but that since I did not know the patients or the syntax of the files, I couldn’t do it. But if she needed that done, she just needed to put in a tech request. However, I couldn’t do it without her there because we’d have to check the files together (she knows the patients, and I don’t). She said she’d let me know once the clinic opened. I went on my way, pleased that I resolved the problem and marked the job as completed. 

Fast forward to a month later and guess who was thrown under the bus for not moving files over? God damn it! Big angry letter, CCed to my boss, that I haven’t done this yet.

No tech request. Nothing. 

Of course I crawled out from under the bus, dragged her out of the seat and threw her right back under. I was nice about it. I just shared that I was a little frustrated, and pretty much laid out the issue as above (with less snarkiness, although this teacher appreciates a good snark which is part of why I love her—so don’t take this as not liking her, I do). I just hate it when it looks like I am not doing what I’m supposed to do, when I have! I also hate being put on the defensive because it comes from a point of weakness and I’d rather apologize for a mistake than defend myself from an accusation almost. If I make a mistake it’s honest. An accusation, even if it is untrue, always casts doubt. 

We all deal with people like this. I decided to not let it ruin my day. It did start my tummy churning but I deep breathed and even though I don’t necessary always feel like it’s the “be all end all” of treatments, physiologically it got more O2 to my brain and did help me calm down and feel better. It does also provide a good lesson to my kids. I won’t use it in the context that it is in, but I’ll modify it. 

This is honestly the third time this week I’ve been thrown under the bus and the scenery is getting old. First was the tech guy from district who shared with my boss how deeply concerned he is that I have missed the tech meetings this year! <insert concerned eyes here> He’s invited my director and I to a meeting to discuss it. I explained why I missed; that I have a SILT meeting that I attend that usually doesn’t go late, but did last week, and I’ve had tech jobs that were high priority (x-ray job). 

When he thanked me for explaining, my director told me that someone else at our meeting attends the same meetings and HE makes it to them, of course CCing that to the district guy. Once again, here I am under the bus. I don’t get why she’s not supportive of me or why that information had to be sent to him and couldn’t have just been sent just to me. I didn’t know this other person also attended the meetings since I am new to this committee. I pointed that out, privately, to her and also that there had been only three meetings this year; one of which was last Thursday and our meeting HAD run 45 minutes long. I didn’t know I could/should just get up and leave. Had she privately said “Did you know __ attends those meetings as well? It’s fine with me if you just get up and leave to go.” That would have been much less embarrassing. 

This is the first year the tech meetings have ever concerned anyone. I have not attended them for the last 11 years. I did the first year, but they were aimed more towards tech support in elementary schools, and training people on things we don’t use here. Most of the things were things I already knew. It was honestly a huge waste of my time and energy. I’ve attended district tech meetings since I started teaching and at Marysville they were held during the day. These are held twice a month, after work at 4:00 p.m. so I’m asked to stay an extra two hours, to attend an additional hour to two hour long meeting on a Thursday on a heavy traffic day and the likelihood of that meeting actually having anything meaningful for me is zip to none. For this I get a $260 a month stipend, AND I also have to train my staff, fix their computers, set up the AV things, run my student tech program (which is awesome), and listen to teachers bitch about a job I didn’t do that they didn’t ask me to do. So you will fucking excuse me if I am not thrilled about it!

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Update on belly

Long angry frustrated rant short...a few weeks back I had a flexible sigmoidoscopy and my Pancreatic Specialist did not find that I had microscopic cholitis. I got my test results with the note, “...results are negative. If symptoms continue, or get worse. Contact my office.”

Okay, what the fuck do I have to do to get a doctor who has a little persistence? I do not expect to get House, for fucks sake, but I do expect someone to at least follow through on what they say they are going to do. On our first appointment I told him my symptoms; that I’ve been having transient symptoms since my Whipple in 2003, but that they’d ratcheted up in May. I’ve lost 20 pounds since July without trying...yeah, that’s AWESOME if you’re trying, and seriously I would by lying if I didn’t look in the mirror at times and say “Looking good in those jeans, Sweetie!” But when you aren’t trying and no matter what you eat, it goes straight through you and makes you feel like you alternately are going to throw up, or you’re being stabbed in the gut and poisoned at the same time, it’s shall we say...disconcerting.

So at our last office visit I told him three things:
  1. My symptoms are better and the weight loss had seemed to slow, but not stop.
  2. I was still having some symptoms every day.
  3. I do not eat during the day because of those symptoms, so I’m really controlling symptoms with fasting as much as with my diet and Creon.
He had me do a test on my way out that showed that my pancreatic enzymes had fallen, even though I had Creon on board from that morning’s breakfast about 90 minutes earlier, and of course had taken it the day before at all meals. That was when he brought up EPI. However, I did not know (since it was brought up in an email) if it was a diagnosis or a “it might be” so I was confused.

In fact, I just made the mistake of eating some nuts because I’m hungry, and I can feel symptoms starting. Darn it!! No, nuts are not something I shouldn’t eat. It’s just that any food kicks off at least minor symptoms.

So does that sound like things are good? I think he hung on the first one. Better is not fixed. Better does not mean I’m satisfied. It is like, “Well it was flames but now it’s just embers.”

So I went back to my GI PA.C. Who is not a pancreatic specialist, but at least listens to me. She is a GI specialist. I’m done with doctors who don’t listen and I’m tired of pain.

So she is going to get his records, even though I always ask to have them sent to her and my doctor there (who is another “I fixed you, right?” Doctor who I don’t like going to....really I never have this attitude, but these two are just....). 

She said that if I respond to the Creon and my enzymes are where they are, that’s how they determine EPI, so I do have it. (Exocrine Pancreatic Insufficiency or the fact that my pancreas is slowly losing its ability to make digestive enzymes so that makes me sick because my body isn’t digesting its food). It isn’t fatal or anything, just uncomfortable and something I have to manage. She’s going to also see if there is anything else. She said I can take Imodium before meals when I’m out to try to head off the symptoms. I grabbed them, or thought I did, today...but it was something else. LOL. Dumbass. 

She looked at my weight, and was alarmed that I had lost 10 pounds in the month since I’d seen her. Yeah! It is alarming, isn’t it!? Looking like an extra in Coco alarms me too! Okay, it’s not THAT bad. I fall just on the line between “healthy” and “underweight” and somehow I still have back fat. 

It is so strange to feel like my life has been taken over by doctors and pain, when it used to be all I thought about and talked about outside of my teaching was running and exercise and how much it enriched and enhanced my life. Now I am so proud if I get even a two mile run in because I feel so crummy all the time. I felt like I was getting used to the brain pain because it has been almost six years. It’s not better, and in some ways it’s worse. But this EPI thing? I just don’t get it. 

Warning: Whiny rant ahead...

I don’t get it. I take such good care of myself. Not to the point of Gwyneth Paltrow steam cleaning my clam and making my own organic linens, perfect so you want to slap me, but I take care of myself. I eat mostly healthy food (Lucky Charms is a food group, so shut up) and I exercise. I lost the weight that as unhealthy. I chose a career path that was/is a path of giving/social service and as a teacher, I give my heart and soul to my kids. Just today I told three kids, individually, how much I care about his success and how I will always be there for him. I meant every single word. You can ask my best friend, who is also a former student. I have their backs in thick and thin. I work within the community through a non-profit to raise money for local people or families in need and take NO profit from it myself, ever. I don’t want riches or fame. I just wanted a simple life where I could make at least a small difference. I still have goals and ambitions I want to meet, but I have been hit with two chronic conditions that make me feel like shit most of the time and I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why. I don’t get the lesson. I don’t get what I am supposed to learn from this or how it’s supposed to mold me into the right vessel or person. I believe things happen for a reason. When I had my original tumor in my pancreas and they found it SO early so I never had to have chemo or anything, just my Whipple (which was no picnic, but still) I felt like there was a purpose...that was why I embraced health and fitness so strongly because I learned what it felt like to be so sick I literally was afraid to close my eyes to sleep at one point. I was afraid I would wake up again. 

But the brain hemorrhage and never ending headaches, confusion, frustration? Maybe it’s to give me empathy for my students who struggle. I don’t get the digestive issue. I know why it’s happened. Most people with a Whipple end up with it, but why? It just frustrates me so much. It’s so hard to accept that it’s just “sucks to be you!” And I have to suffer with feeling sick all the time when I’d rather be out running or teaching a boot camp class while someone else is perfectly happy being a complete couch potato, not taking care of his or herself, and they remain perfectly healthy. I am not saying they “deserve” it more, but I am saying that it would make more sense for a sedentary couch potato to be stricken with these illnesses, so it is hard not to feel “why me” sometimes. Not only does it keep me from doing things that enrich my life, but it is keeping me from doing things that help others, and that hurts the most.

Next year I’m sure I’ll be teaching half time, so less kids will be impacted. I’ve cut down on teaching my fitness classes and personal training one on one. I can’t handle it. As it is, I can’t handle what I do have and cry almost weekly because I’m so overwhelmed. I can’t bring myself to give it up, yet, because it was a dream of mine and I can’t let that dream die. I worked hard for it. But next year, I’ll probably have to drop that too because it’s a business that costs us money. I have goals that include, very seriously, running for public office but can I do that with two chronic conditions that can take me down at any time? I don’t know. So do I even consider it? One or the other, maybe, but both? It just feels so hopeless like I shouldn’t even bother to make plans. 

Then when I think that way I feel like “But others go all over the place and talk to Congress and shit, why can’t you be someone like that?” And I feel pressure because I’m not some Hallmark Story of Wonder Womanness running across a finish line breaking the tape, or even stumbling across the finish line, with a Nobel Prize in one hand and a perfectly brined brisket in the other. I’m just me and I’m not amazing. I’m in pain most of the time and I only want to go back to being normal me full of energy with tons of dreams left for my life that now just seem fucking impossible. 

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

I can't do this...

Only day three and I haven't left on time yet. Three migraines, three IBS attacks, one big fat breakdown complete with ugly cry tonight and one on the first day. Things that shouldn't have happened with my class did, and my computers, which were all in perfect working order when I left in the summer, half were not working when I returned. I have no idea why. I literally reinstalled every single one and personally tested them myself before I left so they would be perfectly ready to go when I came in.

Some of the other teachers who wanted to use computers this week didn't come and check to make sure they were working, so of course that became my emergency. Yes, I am tech support but that does not put more hours in my day. I still only have 24, and I still have to go to staff meetings, and I can't suddenly whip up the power to be in three places at once. People don't read emails I send, but instead come to ask me for information I've already sent. I want to be patient, but at the same time while I'm trying to reinstall computers who decided to take a crap in MY room over the summer (in a class completely dedicated to computers, where I did make sure they were working before I left for the summer so had a very fair assumption that they would be working when I returned) I'm being torn away to fix other people's computers too.

What we need is tech help to open school, but we don't get much of that.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, run a business, and try to figure out how to keep a house from being condemned, find something I can eat that doesn't keep me doubled over in pain, and not kill one husband and six dogs. I just hate how sometimes I just feel like once the school year starts I have so few moments of happiness because it's just run run run, go go go and take my one day a week to sleep in on Sunday and then feel guilty if I'm not "doing" something.

I haven't exercised yet this week because I can't get home on time, but I did get in acupuncture yesterday and that 45 minutes with needles in my belly felt amazing.

Sorry to bitch but I am so fucking exhausted. I hate how everything was so good until my brain broke and now I can't keep up with what I used to do, but everyone still expects me to, including me. No choice. I've been so stressed out leading up to school and I even reached out to a support group and no one replied.

I want to apologize for having a pity party but I'm not going to. Goddamn it I'm tired. I'm tired of not sleeping (although last night I did first time this week). I'm tired of coming home and wanting to sleep. I'm tired of making dinner while Roy watches TV, even though maybe it's fair because I used to do that while he made dinner. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being targeted at work by one of our administrators, which has never EVER happened to me in my 23 years of teaching. (Someone else pointed it out to me, and now that I see it, I see it and it makes me angry because it's impacting the kids more than me and it's not right, small minded cunt faced bitch.)

All I want out of life is to leave a legacy, but I couldn't have kids so I teach. Now I'm coming to the end of my career. I can feel it. What will I be then? Pointless I guess. I can't set new goals, it feels like, because everything is up in this stupid limbo. If I stop working, we're poor. If I keep working, I'm so exhausted I can't enjoy life except during vacations. Then I resent the fact that this is it, enjoy these few days you have because the dark days come back. Don't get me wrong, I find JOY in my job, but by the end of the day I am so completely exhausted there is nothing left for me, for my husband, for my friends. That's not right.

I just feel lost because I don't know how to be this person. I'm either super go getter or nothing and I don't want to be nothing, but I can't be who I was before. I don't know how to find that in between state because that in between state just feels boring to me. I don't want to be boring. I might as well not even be.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Worried about MCM

So excited! I booked us an AirBNB for MCM!! It’s right in the heart of DC. I was reading the course map and can’t wait!!!

But at the same time, I am super worried. I haven’t run a long run since last month...well a few weeks ago and that was 13 miles. All due to these IBS like symptoms. I just got in from running eight miles. We are a month out from this marathon and I am not ready! I haven’t been this undertrained for a marathon ever.

I don’t know how to fuel because right now I’m still on the low FODMAP diet. I don’ t know how to carbo load because right now I’m eating like I’m anorexic, and I’m not trying to be funny. Because I’ve had such a bad reaction to food the last three months every time I eat, I am afraid to eat so I find I will make food and then not eat it. Or I’ll eat just 1/4 of it because I’m afraid too much will cause issues.

I’m excited to go to DC, but what will I eat there? I know this is what all people who deal with this go through at first, and I will get it sorted out, but it sure does cause initial anxiety!  As if the brain pain wasn’t bad enough!

On a good note, I did just have a pretty good eight mile run. I used some of the gummy bears I made. I took two pieces before I left and right now I have no stomach upset, just a gnawing (which I think is the typical munchies). These are made with GG#4 clarified budder (so fanceeeeeee). No psychoactive properties at all, and about 30 minutes in a I felt good. I’ll take them earlier next week.

So hey, that kind of makes me feel a little better about MCM! Maybe I’ll try a 15-16 miler tomorrow!