Thursday, June 23, 2016

Proud of myself today!!!

I am proud of myself today. I had an SPG block and it only gave me relief for about an hour. Now that's a HUGE bummer, but you know what? I did not cry nor did I wallow. Instead I put on my running shoes and went out for an easy run (you're not supposed to do any strenuous exercise after a block). Flik and I ran for 3.5 miles. It didn't help the pain, but it did help my psyche.

I also met some other goals. I worked on my curriculum for 45 minutes and when the timer went off I stopped. I have decided that I'm going to do that so that it's not August and I'm behind. I'm not going to spend five hours a day on my butt working and getting nowhere, nor am I going to put it off until the end. I'm going to set timers and work in specific periods of time and get things done.

Now I'm going to go relax and take something for my head, which is chronic but in this case, in a very good way.

One of the things my therapist wants me to do is journal more so I am so that's another very good thing.

Feeling happy and positive today even though I'm not better.

Oh and I'm kicking it at the gym lately!

Goals for tomorrow:

  • Run 5 miles
  • Strength training at gym
  • one hour of lesson planning
  • one hour of yard work
  • Find flight home from San Diego
Move on!! I am fierce and strong!

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Week One of New Week's Goals

So last week my goals were to exercise at least 10 min a day five times, to fit in some me time and say no when I didn't want to commit to something, and I don't remember the third thing because right now my head really hurts and it hurts more when I try to recall.

I did exercise at least ten minutes a day. One of the days my head was really bad so I set the timer for ten minutes and I played with the dogs for ten minutes as my head pounded. I did it, though! When the ten minutes were up I nearly collapsed. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

The other four times were bootcamp one day, good beasty workout, and three runs including one that was almost 11 miles.

Right now we're having the best weather. In fact it's so nice that we are having record heat by far; yesterday it was 88 degrees and I canceled bootcamp. Last week it was pouring down rain. I think the change in weather so drastic that it's caused just horrible headaches. it's Tuesday and I only lasted half a day yesterday. This morning I knew I shouldn't come to work, but I did. I am suffering my way through it. I can't imagine how I'd teach a regular teaching job. I helped one of my girls with geometry and I just did not get it. I think I confused her more. I know it made my head hurt worse. Finally I gave up and asked some boys to help her.

I want to go home and go for a bike ride or a run, even in the heat (it doesn't bother me that much) but my head is so bad standing up makes me feel like falling down.

SO...goals for this week...

  • Work out for 10 min 5 times a week, at least. (The 10 min is on bad head days. I did not work out yesterday.)
  • Download a bio-feedback app and try to use it at least 2 times
  • Declutter at least 1 thing per day
Oh, and I decided to limit my activities to three; running, my business, and the other thing i do. I can picture and think of the other running to give. That's the thing. My head really hurts. Thinking is hard. I think I'll call my neurologist and try to get in for a block again.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Journaling Homework

So my therapist says I need to journal because we've been seeing each other for a year and she can't get me to slow down. It's like I know that I should slow down and I kind of know why I don't slow down, but it's hard. If I slow down I feel like I'm giving in to the pain; surrendering to it and letting it control me instead of me controlling it. It makes me so angry to have to feel like this and to even have to consider slowing down. Why should I, an intelligent, driven, strong woman of only 51 years young have to be controlled by something so silly as a headache?

I am on a few support boards and number one, I rarely ask for support because it seems like every time I do some asshat gives me the "You should be glad to be alive" bullshit. Yeah, thanks for that. I'm so glad to be alive living 1/4 of the life I used to live. While I do see on a purely rational level that my life is blessed because I have two working arms and two working legs and a mostly working brain, at the same time I am living the life of 1/4 of what Tory USED to do. Besides, I know I'm lucky to be alive and I am thankful. I don't need to be told that. I want someone to say "I know. It sucks. It's not fair. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this and you don't deserve it." I need someone to see my pain and feel it with me and not belittle it or diminish it. In fact, the last time I asked for help, one woman said I was lucky to have only headaches because at least I wasn't disabled like she is. Grrrrrrrrr. It's not a competition!! And it isn't "only headaches".

Anyhow, I think the reason I don't journal is because most of the time I'm feeling, emotionally, pretty good. I have a headache all the time, but I usually handle it pretty well. I'm a naturally (blessedly) upbeat person. It's only when I get down that I feel like writing and then it feels like I write the same thing over and over again. I have a headache blah blah, it's not fair, blah blah, I hate this. blah blah.

So update since almost a year ago...We've had two years of very mild Winters and it's been super hard on my head because I react to changing barometric pressure. We've had windstorms and rainstorms and thunderstorms and all of those wreak havoc on my poor brain, so Winter has been hard. Normally Fall and Spring are the hardest seasons and I get a break during the cold part of Winter and the hot part of Summer. I did get a break last summer, but the other 75% of the year has been suckage.

I've tried a new procedure called a Sphenopalatine Ganglion Block twice. Both times it was MAGIC but like magic, it was elusive and disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared. The doctor used a catheter rammed up my nose to drip lidocaine onto the nerve bundle (the Sphenopalatine Ganglion bundle) and the pain would literally disappear like someone snapped their fingers. I feel amazing when this happens, although at the same time like I'm a little loopy and high. I literally start making plans 'now that I no longer have headaches'. Then both times, 13 hours later, like someone snapped their fingers again, the headache came back. Not 12 hours, not 13.2 hours. Thirteen hours almost on the dot. Ptooey! I'm still going to try it again because I want to believe it will at some point kick my nerves into the realization that there is NO reason for them to be acting like they are in pain.

Rambling so I will finish do I slow down. My therapist suggested that I consider no more than two (or I can have three, she just suggested two but that feels super limiting to me) extra curricular activities in my life at one time because i tend to think of activities like a stampeding herd of elephants off in the distance. They look small when it's a few months away, but then when it comes time to actually do them I'm overwhelmed and it wears me out because I don't have the energy to do all of the things I've committed to.

So I think I will choose three and one of those will be running, one will be Running to Give, which won't be active all of the time, and one will be my business. That means that at times I will have latitude to take on another task, but not all of the time.

I need to then take my personal running more seriously. Right now I let my headache dictate when I run. At the beginning of the year I was on a streak of running every day at least one mile. I think I will go back to at least one mile or at least 10 minutes on the treadmill. I can do that. I also need to get my diet in order. I've been eating too much candy which isn't good for my physical or mental health. When I don't eat right I don't feel right or good about myself.

So commitment to myself is to not take on anything new in April, run or walk at least one mile or ten minutes per day, and no candy.