Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I'm sad

I'm sad because my head hurts and I'm so tired of it. I don't want to keep trying to find a cure for it. I want to quit. I want to stop being in pain. I want to stop spending money on this. I want to live a quiet and happy life, well maybe not quiet. I want my old life back where we did fun things and went places and explored and I never worried about pain. I don't deserve this. I worked so hard to be healthy and this is what I got for it?

I know no one deserves pain and I know I'm not handling it graciously. I still don't understand the lesson 5.5 years later. Why did this happen to me? What purpose did it serve? What lesson is there in it? What do I take away from this experience? How is it helping others? How does it work through me to give to others?

I don't know where to go from here and I have no one to talk to about it. I feel so alone.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Five Weeks Post SPG Radio Frequency Ablation

So tomorrow is the second side procedure. I'm not looking forward to it At All because it hurts so much. I know it will only be about half hour, but just thinking about it is spiking my current headache. I can do it, though.

So how are things five weeks post-hence?

Deep Breath.

It actually took me about three weeks to say out loud that I don't think the first procedure worked very well at all. I told Roy and just cried. Then a week later I shared with a few friends. I saw a little relief, definitely, so I don't think it was a complete failure. But did I see the improvement I thought I'd see?

Nope.

Not even close.

Most of the time my headache is the same as it always was. Maybe once a week it'll be worse on the left than the right. My suspicion is that since our weather has been so bad lately (literally changing at least once a day, often two or three times and weather change hits me hardest) that the right probably IS a little better but it's hard to tell with quick spikes when the pain level goes quickly from say a level 4 to a level 6. I think on better days I'm not really focusing on a slight pain relief on the right and when it does increase so much, it kind of hits me so hard that at that point if one side is only a little better, it's not enough to make a difference in that scenario.

So why am I doing the second side? I guess my hope is that either that side will be better or more receptive (maybe they missed the nerve or that is like a super nerve), or more likely the correlation of the two improvements together will be more than additive. Maybe both together will signal a greater feeling of relief than trying to add a 4 headache to a 6 headache and expecting to feel any dramatic sense of pain relief. After all, that really is still 75% of my original pain level. Wow, actually typing that out makes me feel better! Only a 25% reduction of pain makes a little more sense because that would be really hard to feel most of the time, if you think about it. Pain is hard to quantify sometimes. It's like you know when you feel it and it HURTS, and you know when you can ignore it, but if you think about it "Yeah, it's still there".

So here is hoping for better results tomorrow.