Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Sometimes I HATE being a woman

I woke up this morning determined to get some more exercise in today. We did kayak yesterday, which was good and I wanted to hike today. However Roy needed to take his mom to see her sister, and I have a dinner date tonight, so I decided to go ahead and get a run in. I wasn’t feeling great, so I medicated to eat breakfast. To explain, with this current situation I often have no appetite which means I will go without eating all day. Yesterday I ate breakfast, lunch and that was it. Before bed I felt like I should eat something, tried 1/3 of a banana but after one bite felt like throwing up. So this morning I woke up with no energy, feeling nauseated. I decided I was having nothing of this, so I took one hit of White Rhino. Within 15 minutes I was hungry so I had my one cup of cheerios, cheated with half a ripe peach (it came in our CSA box, which I should cancel now because I can’t eat most of it) and I didn’t want to just throw it away, and coffee with coconut milk creamer. I felt much better so saddled Flik up for a run.

I decided that since it was mid-morning I would head out for a run on the new Ebey Waterfront Trail. I haven’t been out there alone since we rehomed Pogie. One of the reasons we took her in was because I needed a larger dog for safety. Even though Flik will protect me, the truth is he is not intimidating. He will bite someone coming for me, but a swift kick could really hurt him. A larger dog makes someone think twice.

So I head down and I’m relieved to see that there is trail work being done in the area where there are usually indigent people sleeping, using drugs and alcohol, and sometimes doing other things. Yay! That makes me feel safer. As I’m running I see another runner ahead of me with a dog off leash. It’s a big dog, but my hope is that he’s going to stay far enough ahead of me that he’ll turn and see me with enough time to recall his dog (hoping he has good recall) and leash him.

I notice, though, that the gap is closing and he’s not wearing running gear. Then he pulls off the trail and I hope to just run past him, as I run past, I notice he’s urinating and then the dog comes running at us. I’m trying to keep Flik from attacking the dog, who really does seem friendly enough and just wants to say hi (but Flik is not always dog friendly and I don’t want him to get hurt). That’s when I realize this isn’t a runner, or someone out for a walk, but an older man who is obviously also indigent.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not automatically afraid of indigent people. In fact, I have a big heart for them. He did not act in any way like he wanted to hurt me. He was startled (probably because he was holding his dick) and he apologized and told me he was jogging. I acted pretty tough (I felt) and was nice and just told him my dog was not friendly, and it was fine.

But it wasn’t. It scared me. It made me realize that as a woman runner, I am not safe running alone out there. I love that trail and because I am a woman and even though I can run, even though I lift weights, if a man wanted to hurt me Flik wouldn’t be able to do much. I tried to run off to put as much distance between us and that man as I could and push my fear away, but my insides turned to liquid, of course my digestive issues came up and I started cramping, feeling nauseaous, and finally had to stop and walk. I kind of walked/jogged for fear of him catching up to me, but I was so afraid I’d -well- mess myself because of how my insides felt. I realized that if he was a bad man, I had run myself to a dead end.

Blessedly about ten minutes later a police officer on a bike came by. I saw him and just started saying “Thank you Jesus. Thank you! Thank you!” Under my breath. Then you know how sometimes when a crisis is over and you held it together and suddenly you’re not holding it any more? Tears sprung to my eyes and I had an asthma attack. I get exercise induced asthma VERY rarely (like maybe once a year) and FUN here it came! So I stopped to walk and regulate my breathing. The officer rode down to the end of the trail and I am thinking, “Do I flag him down? Do I not? Am I overreacting?” It calmed enough that I was able to continue by the time he got back, but I did sit for 20 minutes to calm everything before I ran again. I knew Flik would tell me if anyone was coming and hell, I could jump into the slough if someone came, or over the barrier and run into the neighborhood through water (tide was out) carrying him if I had to.

God dammit it just isn’t fair that women have to worry about going places because we have a few men in this society that can’t control themselves around women. I miss Pogie and the protection and camaraderie I shared with her. I miss feeling safe. I feel like now I can’t run down there alone and while I love to run with friends, I also sometimes need to be in my own headspace. I used to run trials alone with Wiley and because he looked like a red German shepherd, no one bothered me. We were so in sync. I could take him out on a summer morning, or weekend, or break and we’d go run for hours. Roy never worried because he know I had Wiles with me to protect me. Now I just feel like a weak, sitting duck. Being so weak right now doesn’t help either. I’m down to 116 this morning, which most people would think is “yay” but that’s actually 3 pounds since Friday. Not yay.

On the good front, I actually felt really good on the run, and my symptoms left me until the last mile. I did have some butt clenching time on the way back but oh well. I feel like I’ll get that in control. I’m still feeling sad, but glad I got the run in. Flik was too! He’s such a good boy and I love running with him. Too bad he isn’t like 50 pounds heavier!

Monday, August 28, 2017

I wish

...a lot of things in my life. One of them is that I wish I kept up with this blog more. I wish I had wonderful, witty and motivating things to say. In real life, I’m actually very motivating. I am a personal trainer and running coach and I help people feel good about themselves.

Unfortunately I do not feel very good about myself lately. It’s not a “I hate myself thing” at all. I don’t hate myself thing. I’ve just not felt good for a long time. It’s the head, but it’s more than the head.

In 2003 I had a Whipple Procedure to remove a cancerous (pre-cancerous, it was in-situ) tumor from my pancreas. Since then I’ve had on again off again digestive issues that have been annoying and painful but manageable. I realize looking back that it’s been getting worse over the last two years with a lot of issues that are embarrassing that people who deal with these kinds of issues will relate to. I’ve struggled to run long distances with severe stomach cramps and diarrhea. I’ve had problems fueling on my long runs. Stuff I used to be able to eat without issue suddenly causes problems.

In mid-May or so I had an attack, as I do, of stomach issues...bloating, cramping, stomach pain, nausea (two different types of pain), diarrhea, loss of appetite. When I get this, every time I eat I’ll feel better but then within five minutes I’ll start having symptoms. Usually these go away within 2-3 days but this time it didn’t. At first it was annoying, but I could ignore it. But as days turned into weeks and weeks into months it got worse and worse. I started losing weight and not wanting to eat. I went from five meals a day (small meals) to three to two to one.

In August I finally had a colonoscopy and endoscopy. I was hoping that they’d find something and if not, at least having the procedure would “reset” things (like a cleanse, although I do not necessarily believe in them) and I’d feel better. Not only did they not find anything at all, but it didn’t reset anything. In fact, it’s only been worse.

I’ve lost 12 pounds since May. My exercise has gone from daily to none because I’m so weak. Okay, I am still trying to get something in if I can. I did kayak today but was sad when, after a single mile I had to turn back because I was exhausted.

At first I was handling it with marijuana, which helps the symptoms quite a bit. But they’ve gotten to the point where it soothes them but doesn’t take them away. It helps with appetite but I’m starting to get afraid of food because even if it doesn’t hurt now it will tomorrow.

I have started a low FODMAP diet. FODMAPs are short chained carbohydrates that most people don’t absorb well, and some don’t absorb at all. If you don’t absorb them, they ferment in your large intestine and cause symptoms of IBS and other intestinal issues. I am actually starting to feel better but it feels like 2 steps forward 2 steps back and I’m not sure if I’m doing it right. I ate something yesterday or the day before that reacted with me, so I’ve had two no fun days. However, the day before yesterday I felt good enough to go for a run and that was AWESOME!

Other things this summer...one of my dogs tried to kill another dog. We had to rehome the killer Dog. Ugh. I feel like one of those people who always has a sad story to tell, but the fact is, August has sucked. Not “My house is underwater in Houston” sucks, but “It’s not been the best month” sucks. I miss Pogie so much. I don’t blame her. She’s a dog and for some reason she just was set off by Lucy and I blame myself. We did the right thing by rehoming her but I love her and I miss her, and even typing this tears me up. Lucy is fine. She is going to live and acts like nothing ever happened. She has a huge scar from her surgery, and we have an empty bank account (literally), but payday is Thursday and it’s only money. Money can’t buy you love, but it can pay to save your dog’s life and puppy kisses are like love so there.

We did make the most of not having money, though. We’ve had an awesome month despite that issue and money has come out of the woodwork when we’ve needed it, Praise the Lord.

Head has been better in August than in July, when the first from BC were really impacting it. The stomach and intestinal cramps can send it soaring, but now that they’re a little better they don’t seem to be setting it off as bad.

By the way, the second procedure did not work at all on my brain. It was very disappointing. So for now, I’m not going to do it again. There is a new supplement I will be taking once payday comes called Bosswellia and there is also some new pain thing she wants me to try. It has a ton of good reviews and I feel like if it doesn’t work for me, it probably will for Roy! So that’s hopeful for him. There is also something that is not yet FDA approved for my brain pain but it is for Cluster Headaches. I tried it in the office and it did give me relief. Dr. M feels it will be available within six months to a year.

So there are some hopeful things on the horizon.