Monday, January 26, 2015

I am coming up on my three year brainaverysary this week and there are days, like today, where I wish I had just died. I don't know if I really mean that or not but I'm so tired of the pain. I'm sitting here at lunch in my office and there are photos of Roy and I at Comicon and part of my brain is saying "You have a wonderful life!" and I know, cognitively at this moment, that this is true. I have so many blessings. I have a wonderful, supportive husband. I have a job that I love that I know makes a difference. One of my former students told me yesterday on Facebook that he will always hold me in his heart. We do cool things as a couple and are both on the same page. I have friends who care about me, and me about them.

It's just that this pain is so weary-ing. It just wares me down. I have had only two "good" days since November and sometimes the good days almost make it worse, if that makes sense. Yesterday, for example, was a good day. I got up early and my headache was minimal. I'd say it was about a level 3--annoying but easy to ignore. It was "there". My friend, Jacquie, and I were running a 20 mile run from Marysville to Mill Creek. I was so glad I did not have to cancel because I coached Saturday but had a bad head the entire time and spent the remainder of Saturday, after coaching, laying in a chair or in bed. So I was super happy.

On the run once I got into it about an hour in, my headache was gone. This happens when the dopamine and endorphins start doing their happy "You're getting some exercise" dance. It doesn't happen every time, and if the head is really bad, it doesn't happen and sometimes I'll do a long run anyhow because I need to for training, and be miserable the entire time. But yesterday the sun was out, it was unseasonably warm at 60 degrees. I was running with a good friend. Another good friend, Tom, provided a water stop. We picked up another up and coming friend, Tamara, to run the last four miles with us. We finished at Mill Creek Town Center and then went to Azul for lunch and of course, bought Frost Donuts to take home. My headache returned to about a level 4 later in the evening, but I still consider it an amazing day.

Then this morning I get up and right away it's on. As I was getting ready I made sure to stretch so I knew it wasn't my neck causing a secondary headache. I was in good spirits, so it wasn't like I was being grumpy or "Oh it's Monday so I have a headache" hypochondriacal. In fact it was about a 5 and I don't stay home at a 5 ever. That's sort of my base headache.

As soon as I got out and towards work, though, there is this line that when I drive past it there must be some weather zone that I hit that hits me back. It's very strange because I can even be sleeping and drive past that (well, Roy drives past that, I try not to sleep drive often) and I'll wake up with my head hurting more. Bam, head went up to a level 7. Nausea set in, immediately my eyesight blurred and I could feel my lips tingling and starting to go numb, my tinnitus getting worse, and my ears starting to burn. The thought went through my head at that moment "Maybe it would have been better if I had died." I had to fight back tears because I just felt and feel so fucking defeated.

I know it wouldn't have been. I know there is a reason I made it, but why did I have to be saddled with this ongoing headache? I don't think anyone understands it who doesn't live with this 24/7 pain. I don't think it's getting better. I think it's getting worse. I just want it to end.

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