I can't do this...

Only day three and I haven't left on time yet. Three migraines, three IBS attacks, one big fat breakdown complete with ugly cry tonight and one on the first day. Things that shouldn't have happened with my class did, and my computers, which were all in perfect working order when I left in the summer, half were not working when I returned. I have no idea why. I literally reinstalled every single one and personally tested them myself before I left so they would be perfectly ready to go when I came in.

Some of the other teachers who wanted to use computers this week didn't come and check to make sure they were working, so of course that became my emergency. Yes, I am tech support but that does not put more hours in my day. I still only have 24, and I still have to go to staff meetings, and I can't suddenly whip up the power to be in three places at once. People don't read emails I send, but instead come to ask me for information I've already sent. I want to be patient, but at the same time while I'm trying to reinstall computers who decided to take a crap in MY room over the summer (in a class completely dedicated to computers, where I did make sure they were working before I left for the summer so had a very fair assumption that they would be working when I returned) I'm being torn away to fix other people's computers too.

What we need is tech help to open school, but we don't get much of that.

I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, run a business, and try to figure out how to keep a house from being condemned, find something I can eat that doesn't keep me doubled over in pain, and not kill one husband and six dogs. I just hate how sometimes I just feel like once the school year starts I have so few moments of happiness because it's just run run run, go go go and take my one day a week to sleep in on Sunday and then feel guilty if I'm not "doing" something.

I haven't exercised yet this week because I can't get home on time, but I did get in acupuncture yesterday and that 45 minutes with needles in my belly felt amazing.

Sorry to bitch but I am so fucking exhausted. I hate how everything was so good until my brain broke and now I can't keep up with what I used to do, but everyone still expects me to, including me. No choice. I've been so stressed out leading up to school and I even reached out to a support group and no one replied.

I want to apologize for having a pity party but I'm not going to. Goddamn it I'm tired. I'm tired of not sleeping (although last night I did first time this week). I'm tired of coming home and wanting to sleep. I'm tired of making dinner while Roy watches TV, even though maybe it's fair because I used to do that while he made dinner. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being targeted at work by one of our administrators, which has never EVER happened to me in my 23 years of teaching. (Someone else pointed it out to me, and now that I see it, I see it and it makes me angry because it's impacting the kids more than me and it's not right, small minded cunt faced bitch.)

All I want out of life is to leave a legacy, but I couldn't have kids so I teach. Now I'm coming to the end of my career. I can feel it. What will I be then? Pointless I guess. I can't set new goals, it feels like, because everything is up in this stupid limbo. If I stop working, we're poor. If I keep working, I'm so exhausted I can't enjoy life except during vacations. Then I resent the fact that this is it, enjoy these few days you have because the dark days come back. Don't get me wrong, I find JOY in my job, but by the end of the day I am so completely exhausted there is nothing left for me, for my husband, for my friends. That's not right.

I just feel lost because I don't know how to be this person. I'm either super go getter or nothing and I don't want to be nothing, but I can't be who I was before. I don't know how to find that in between state because that in between state just feels boring to me. I don't want to be boring. I might as well not even be.